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My Blog

Welcome to my blog!

Is Submission Really A Gift?
Posted:Aug 19, 2017 1:28 pm
Last Updated:Aug 21, 2017 11:42 pm
1443 Views

How many times have you heard it or seen it written that submission is a gift? It’s certainly become a cliché in the lifestyle. But why don’t we look at this idea with a critical eye rather than immediately accepting it as gospel?

In my opinion, there is a fallacy in this idea that revolves around the idea of submission being anything than what it is…submission. To label it as a gift is pure poppycock for multiple reasons and from at least two different perspectives. To discover why let's first take a look at what a gift really is. The dictionary defines a gift in this context as “Something voluntarily transferred from one person to another without compensation”. Let’s look at submission and see if it meets the criteria of being a gift.

Let’s look at two parts of this definition- first the “without compensation” part. In order for submission to be a gift, according to the definition, the submissive cannot receive anything in return. Is this the case? Clearly not. When submission is offered, the submissive not only receives domination but EXPECTS to receive it as an implied condition of their submission. This makes submission an exchange, not a gift.

But that may not be the only way submission differs from a gift. Let’s look at a second part of the definition- the “voluntarily transferred” part. If something is transferred it is now owned by the person to whom it was transferred. This implies that the giver cannot regain possession without the receiver gifting it back or providing it to the giver in some other way perhaps utilizing a chain of third parties with the result being it is ultimately transferred back to the original submissive.

But this is not how a power exchange relationship typically works. Even in the most tightly bound TPE relationship, the submissive/slave can simply cease giving. They thereby withdraw their submission and 'regain their power' at any time, arbitrarily if they so choose. Although I will admit, this line of reasoning may be weaker than the “without compensation” issue because it can be argued that the submission is irretrievable for the period of time it was provided.

We've seen that submission fails to be a gift under the definition of the word. But I would also like to look at the idea through the lens of a sustainable lifestyle philosophy. To do this, let's compare a submissive's actions to those of someone highly skilled in a highly paid profession, let's say either a doctor or an attorney.

Does anyone feel like they are given a gift because the doctor or attorney they patronize became a doctor or an attorney? I certainly don't and I don't know anyone who does. In fact, most people who have the opportunity to pay for the services of a doctor or attorney directly out of their pocket typically calls the decision of the individual to become a doctor or an attorney damned expensive rather than a gift.

And therein lies the kernel of what should be valued. The skills and abilities someone uses to benefit someone else. The doctor using his skills to heal or the attorney using his legal skills to obtain an outcome. These are the things that have value. The fact that someone became a doctor or an attorney has little if any value, even if that person is YOUR doctor or attorney. It is only when they apply their skills and abilities for your benefit that their actions have value to you.

If you are asking how all this applies to the lifestyle, let me try and explain. It is not that someone is a submissive that is of value. It is not even that someone submits to you that is of value. It is what they do while in that role that has value.

The idea that submission is a gift may be warm, cuddly, and romantic but, according to the definition of a gift, it fails to qualify in at least one and perhaps two ways. Beyond the challenges submission has in meeting the definition of a gift, if submission is a gift then dominance should be no less a gift. However, I believe that being dominant or submissive is simply the expression of a natural tendency. In my view, each party is simply providing the other with what they need to be more completely who they are.

Each provides the other with what they need to create a relationship in whatever format may be agreed to by the individuals involved. This format may range from one limited in both time and scope as is typically the case for a top and a bottom playing together, to a real-time, life-long, 24/7, under-one-roof, TPE relationship, or anything in between.

J. Roberts

Whose existence sometimes seems to be to point out the emperor has no clothes and to gore the sacred ox on which he rides
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BDSM and the Circus Bigtop
Posted:Jul 23, 2017 5:09 pm
Last Updated:Aug 19, 2017 1:30 pm
2413 Views

I can’t tell you how many times I have seen a new person come into the lifestyle and immediately cry out I want to find my O/one. WRONG. The first thing you need to do is find out how you fit in the lifestyle. If you don’t do this first, there is a snowball’s chance in Hades you can find the person you fit with. Before I go any further let me say this is all my opinion, your mileage may vary.

I liken BDSM to a three ring circus tent. In the center, there is the B/D ring, the D/s ring and the S/M ring.

The B/D ring. B/D stands for Bondage and Discipline.

Bondage. In this ring, you will find performing for your enjoyment those who enjoy physical restraints. It might be by rope, a straight jacket, a stock, or some other method.

You might hear the term predicament bondage. Predicament bondage can be summed up as a damned-if-you-do-and-damned-if-you-don’t situation. For example, a female submissive may have clamps attached to her nipples and told to stand on her tip toes. Once on her toes, a string is tied above her head connecting to the clamps. As she gets tired of standing on her toes and starts to lower herself, the nipple clamps pull her nipples via the string.

Discipline. Also performing in this ring for your viewing pleasure are those who engage in what can be described as mental bondage using psychological restraints. Rules are set up. Break the rules and you receive a punishment.

Punishments encompass a huge range of possibilities including the loss of a privilege (like TV privileges), the loss of a submissive’s, freedom (by being put in a cage or in a stock), it could involve humiliation (like having to walk around with something written on their forehead in lipstick), or it may involve the administration of physical pain.

Any of these can be used in an erotic context if a play rule is broken or amped up for a more serious real rule infraction.

The D/s ring. D/s stands for Dominance and submission. Although this ring is quieter than the other two, do not confuse quiet with a lack of intensity.

Dominance and submission occurs between members of almost any group and in other styles of relationships including vanilla relationships. In groups, it is not unusual for a natural leader to arise and influence the group. In a BDSM environment, this is what is referred to as a Dominant.

In this ring perceptions and the mind becomes more important than the body.
In the BDSM arena, D/s couples are bound to each other by a commitment that is typically evidenced by a collar. The commitment to each other is felt as strongly as marriage; some believe more strongly as a result of the emphasis put on communication and how power is used in the relationship. In many cases these couples are not only BDSM couples as evidenced by the submissive’s collar, they are also married.

The S/M ring. S/M stands for Sadism and Masochism.

Many will say sadomasochism, but I think the two ideas need greater separation. It’s not quite as simple as two sides of the same coin. As the old joke goes, "Beat me" said the masochist. The Sadist smiled and said "NO!".

Sadism is deriving pleasure in the creating pain in others. That pleasure doesn't have to sexual, although it is generally thought to be, nor does the sadist have to be Dominant, although again it is generally thought to be so.

Masochism is deriving pleasure from feeling pain. Again, there may or may not be a sexual nature to the experience.

Participating in S/M can help create some inordinately strong bonds between participants. Documentation of this can be found in a study that can be found at: http://alt.com

There is also frequently an overlap in the activities engaged in between the participants in these three rings.

The Sideshows. To continue the analogy, as with any old fashion circus you not only have the three ring big top but a myriad of sideshows too.

In BDSM these side shows might have a gender component (as with Femdoms or CDs, that is Female Dominants or cross dressers), or be activity based (for example, those with a fetish for being a furry, that is a puppy, pony or other animal, wearing rubber, worshiping feet, or being a Daddy/little couple, AKA age play).

Not only are there roles assumed by the participants, but there can also be an overarching model used to guide how the relationship functions. Some of these models include military, 1950’s, Leather and Gorean. Please keep in mind that neither the list of side shows nor the list of household models are anywhere close to complete.

As a result of getting a glimpse into the complexity of the lifestyle, hopefully, you have gained an understanding why it is so important to figure out where you fit before attempting to develop a stable relationship with a person on the other side of the slash. To achieve maximum benefit, this lifestyle takes work. It is not for the lazy who can’t otherwise get a date and think this should be an easier route to that goal.

Post script:

If you are new I will recommend either of the following two books as giving a thorough introduction to the lifestyle.

Screw the Roses Send Me the Thorns by Phillip Miller and Molly Devon. This book is a Dom and sub explaining the lifestyle from their respective side of the slash. The latest (paperback) edition has a blue cover with an erotic picture of a blind folded woman on it.

SM101: Jay Wiseman. Wiseman is a community educator with a number of titles to his credit.

These are the two best primers on the lifestyle I know of.

The following should be required reading for those who believe they are submissives:
Conquer Me by Kacie Cunningham

The following should be required reading for those who believe they are Dominants (those who have or seek a submissive):
Devil in the Details, vol I

The following should be required reading for those who believe they are Masters (those who have or seek ownership of a slave)
Devil in the Details, vol I, vol II, and vol III
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