Illuminations: Polyamorous Relationships: Loving More Than One

"Polyamory" is based on the Latin and French words for "many loves." A polyamorous relationship is a romantic relationship involving more than two people. A defining facet of a polyamourous relationship is that everyone knows about and is agreeable to the involvement of everyone else. Polyamory is not all about sex. It is about building romantic relationships with more than one person at a time. Polyamorists feel it is vitally important to the success of this relationship style that everyone know and understand the rules of the relationship, and abide by them. Rules vary from relationship to relationship and are based on the needs of the people involved. The rules are negotiated by everyone involved and serve as a framework to protect the needs and feelings of all.

BDSM lends itself to exploration, invading, and pushing of conventional norms and boundaries. It is not the norm within our society to tie people up, and spank, beat, or torture them... its considered immoral by society at large and is even illegal in the eyes of the law. BDSMers over the years have been able to redefine and change mainstream ideas, and tailor them to fit our own desires. The exploratory nature of relationships, which are formed for the purpose of indulging in power exchange, allows for the testing and altering of preconceived boundaries. In the same light boundaries, and norms of what is considered a relationship is also tested. Many BDSM relationships evolve to involve more than one person. Often times, it is the dominant who takes on additional submissive(s).

I am a female submissive, with a Master whom I adore. I would do anything to please him... even if it were painful for me to do so. One of the most painful requests he could make of me would be to accept that he wanted to bring another submissive into our relationship. To share his time, his body, and his exquisite talents with the art of rope bondage with a sister submissive at this point and time seems an almost unbearable thought. But, there are many submissive women out there who have had to take this huge step, and make this adjustment in their relationship with their Master. How do they deal with it? How do you deal with the potential insecurities and jealousy of sharing?

I have spent time talking to people who have been involved in successful polyamorous BDSM relationships. The one thing that was stressed by male and female, Dominant and submissive alike is that communication is a key factor. As in any relationship you must talk and share feelings get them out in the open so that you can deal with them effectively. Letting something go unsaid because you do not want to rock the boat will only serve to let a potential problem grow, and possibly fester into a sore that can not heal or be made better. It is a lack of communication, which will doom the polyamorous relationship from the start.

The collective development of trust among all the partners is also an integral part of the polyamorous relationship. All partners involved must be able to trust each other. If there is distrust, especially among the submissive women there can only be disharmony.

Insecurity and jealousy are big potential problems. If one partner feels they are getting less attention than the other partner is, then jealousy may develop and cause intense disharmony in the relationship. How is it handled? Again, communication is the key. You must talk honestly with your partner(s). Jealousy comes about because of internal insecurities. As one Domme put it, "Jealousy is an internal monitor of sorts and serves a useful function... it lets us know when we have an issue that we need to communicate to our partner(s).

The one impression I have come away from my discussions with people who participate in poly relationships is how much work it is!! One of the Dominant men I talked to for the purpose of writing this article couldn't emphasis enough how much work it is. He said it's not all about sex, and being satisfied all the time for him. He said it was work to keep his submissives happy and in the frame of mind to want to work together as a team to please him, and feel happy within the relationship. He said it is when your partners feel as though they are easily interchangeable that real problems begin. Care must be taken to make everyone feel wanted, needed, and valued for the uniqueness they bring to the relationship and it must be made clear to all of them that they are highly valued in the relationship.

It is in the beginning, when expanding, and changing an existing relationship that feelings are potentially most volatile. When bringing in a new partner it is easy to get caught up in the rush and excitement of exploring someone new, and it is then that existing partners may feel left out, or less important and desired. All the dominants stressed it is during this time, the critical beginning phase that care must be taken to include everyone in most activities.

Many people think that if your involved in a poly relationship, everyone within that relationship is sexually involved with everyone else. This is not always the case. Most of the people I asked about this facet of the relationship agreed that it is easier if submissives are sexually bonded to each other but that is not always possible as not everyone is bi-sexual. For some, it isn't even desirable to have group sex within the relationship and that is acceptable too. There can be loving feelings without there also being sexual feelings.

Ciera, one submissive woman I talked to in depth who is involved in a long term (lasting 7 years) polyamorous relationship with her Master and one other sister submissive told me the biggest problem she had with the idea of him bringing another person into the relationship was that... he actually WANTED to bring another person into the relationship. She said the first thing she asked him is, what was it she was not doing that he needed her to do. She felt if he wanted to bring someone else into their relationship that in some way she was not enough, she was not giving him what he needed and in some way was failing him. Ciera said it took a long time to work thru her feelings of inadequacy. "We grow up believing we are only to love one person at a time. That in some way once we fall in love that part of our brain which makes us attracted to other people throws a switch and automatically shuts off... that is how most people live anyway. People aren't really designed that way though. We are able to love more than one person at a time, without loving anyone less. Think about people that have more than one child. Just because you have a second child you love, does not mean you love that first child one bit less. The love parents have for their child is different and unique with each child but not less because there is more to love. It is that way in our poly relationship. I am not loved less because Master loves my sister submissive too... in fact, I am loved more because there is another person there to love me too".

There are some big issues that face those who decide to engage in poly relationships that cannot be denied. For these people, less is not more. More is definitely more and infinitely more desirable than living monogamously and limiting the people you can love, and who will love you.

As always

Life is short ... Cherish today.